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How to Get Over a Breakup: 3 Unconventional Ideas to Shift Your Mindset
Ep. 4 Teaser: How to get over a breakup: 3 unconventional ideas to shift your mindset
Maybe it happened a week ago, a month ago or a year ago. Maybe you were together for 5 years, 5 months or 5 minutes. Regardless of the circumstances, one thing’s for sure: You’ve broken up. And it hurts.
You want to move forward, but it’s hard. You’re a in a lot of pain. You can’t imagine feeling that way about someone ever again. And if you can, you can’t imagine your feelings will ever be reciprocated. Humph. You’re in a funk of epic portions. So, how do you claw your way out of it? You start by listening to this episode!
There are a lot of helpful resources on the subject of breakups. And many of them say the same things, such as having a no-contact period with your ex, unfollowing them on social media, and maintaining other aspects of your life, including work, health and friendships, even though you feel like crap.
So, I didn’t want to add to the noise. I wanted to offer you something you’d probably never heard before. That’s why this episode includes three unconventional ideas to shift your mindset and help you feel better sooner.
Here are the top 5 points I’m going to cover:
❤ Confessions of a breakup tragic (me) and my No. 1 biggest breakup mistake ❤ Why your ex wasn’t as great as you thought they were (this applies to all exes) ❤ The reason your relationship didn’t work out (yup, there’s only one reason) ❤ The ditch-the-shame explanation for why a breakup isn’t a ‘failure’ ❤ My top two breakup resources – something to read and something to do
You have two options for absorbing this juicy info:
1. Listen to it (recommended): You can listen here on this page using the player below or, even better, listen in your favourite podcast app (mine’s iTunes). Any probs, let me know.
2. Read it: As much as I love podcasts, I know not everyone’s into them. So, if that’s you, you can read the transcript of the episode below. I’ve taken the time to format it so it’s easier to read.
Either way, enjoy! And if you have any comments or questions, leave it below, email me or catch me on Facebook (at ‘Elly Klein: The Relationship Writer’) or Instagram (@relationshipwriter).
Ep. 4: How to get over a breakup: 3 unconventional ideas to shift your mindset
Shift your mindset
Today, I’m going to teach you how to get over a breakup – but with a twist. I want to share with you three of my unconventional mindsets to transform the way you see your breakup and help you feel better sooner.
So, I have a confession to make. I have a history of being a breakup tragic. I’ve handled most breakups in one of three ways: badly, very badly, or very, very badly. Although, to be fair, my breakup skills did improve over time. But it took finding ‘The One’ – that’s my partner, David – for me to be able to look back and see how I could have managed my breakups far more competently.
Past pain Vs future happiness
Now, I think we can all agree breakups are one of the most painful human experiences. And how to recover from one is a topic we could discuss for hours. But we’re not going to. And here’s why:
The more time you spend dwelling on your past pain, the longer you delay focusing on your future happiness. Let me say that again: The more time you spend dwelling on your past pain, the longer you delay focusing on your future happiness.
My biggest breakup mistake
When I look back, the biggest mistake I made when trying to get over a breakup was placing too much importance on my ex (you know, that’s the one who no longer values you) and not enough importance on my future husband (that’s the one who’s going to love you for the rest of your life). Because when you finally find the right person and you compare them to your ex, there’s no contest. One stepped up and the other one slinked off. And the one who slinked off is worth literally nothing.
Unconventional breakup mindset No. 1
Which brings me to my unconventional breakup mindset No. 1: Someone who doesn’t want to be with you is literally worthless. I don’t mean they’re worthless as a person. Of course they’re not. Every human being has worth. I mean they’re worthless a partner to you. So, it doesn’t matter how smart, funny, sexy, talented, sweet, blah, blah, blah they were, it means nothing if they’re not willing or able to meet your relationship needs and make you happy.
I’ll give you an example. You know Mr Big in Sex and the City – the man Carrie was smitten with for six seasons who was never quite able to reciprocate her feelings? Well, I had my very own Mr Big in my late 20s, which, of course, I thought was pretty cool. And like Carrie’s Mr Big, he was tall, dark, handsome, successful and a little older than me. He drove a luxury car, took me to fancy restaurants, and generally impressed the heck out of me. But I’m very down-to-earth, so all of that was just the icing on the cake. What really impressed me was how much I enjoyed his company.
We had loads of common interests and we just clicked. It’s always a magical feeling when you just click with someone, isn’t it. We could talk, laugh and hang out for hours and days and I never got sick of him. I thought he was my soul mate. Well, he wasn’t. Because, as it turned out, he didn’t feel quite the same way about me.
Within 6 months, he was gone. And within a few years, he was married to someone else. I spent so much time pining for him it was ridiculous. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but I couldn’t help it. I just couldn’t get him off my mind. I thought I’d never find someone else I felt so strongly about. Well, I did. And guess what. He wasn’t my soul mate either. In fact, it took another 10 years and a handful of breakups before I met David. And when I look back, none of these guys could hold a candle to David because not only do David and I click in that magical way, the real magic is that fact that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. And that makes my exes look like a bunch of nobodies.
So, that’s unconventional breakup mindset No. 1: Someone who doesn’t want to be with you is literally worthless. If you define worth as having something of value to offer, your ex is, by definition, worthless. That loving long-term relationship or marriage you’re craving? They’re not offering it. But don’t worry. Someone else will.
Unconventional breakup mindset No. 2
Unconventional breakup mindset No. 2 is: Why someone doesn’t want to be with you is irrelevant. You might think there are countless reasons why someone might not want to be with you, but there’s really only one. And that reason is: Because you’re not a match. It’s that simple. You might feel you’re match, but they don’t, so you’re not a match.
Let’s flip this around for a moment. I don’t know about you, but I can honestly say there’s nothing the exes I broke up with could have done differently to make me want to be with them. Most of them were lovely guys, which is why I went out with them in the first place. But I just didn’t feel what I needed to feel to continue the relationship. So, try not to spend too much time worrying about what you might have done wrong. When you complete a jigsaw puzzle, do you worry why two pieces don’t fit together? No. You just accept they don’t fit together and continue looking for the right match for each piece.
To that end, what you’ll probably find when you meet the right person is they’ll love the things about you your ex didn’t. For instance, David loves that I’m open and honest because he’s open and honest. But I know for a fact not all my exes liked it. When my aforementioned Mr Big and I were dating, he literally said to me, and I quote, ‘I’m struggling with all the honesty.’ Because I don’t think he was particularly open and honest by nature, and the idea of having to be open and honest with me for the rest of his life scared the hell out of him. So, as much as I adored him, we clearly weren’t a match. Spending my life with someone who wasn’t inherently open and honest would have made me miserable.
Unconventional breakup mindset No. 3
Okay, unconventional breakup mindset No. 3 is: Breakups are a natural part of dating and relationships. They’re the rule – not the exception. Think about it. Chances are you’re going to have many more breakups than life partnerships or marriages. That’s because it takes time for two people to get to know each other and see if they’re the right fit. Or if you were together for a long time, especially from a young age, it’s not uncommon for two people to grow apart. So, it’s important you don’t see your breakup as a failure. Almost everyone on the planet has experienced, or will experience, a breakup at some point in their lives. Does that mean everyone’s failure? Not from where I’m standing. It means breakups are common and universal. You’re in good company.
So, they’re my top 3 unconventional breakup mindsets:
No. 1: Someone who doesn’t want to be with you is literally worthless. Not worthless as a person. Worthless as a partner to you. No. 2: Why someone doesn’t want to be with you is irrelevant. All you need to know is you weren’t a match. No. 3: Breakups are a natural part of dating and relationships. They’re the rule – not the exception. The exception is when you finally find someone special to share your life with.
Cry it out
If it takes longer than you think it should for the pain of your breakup to subside, try not to beat yourself up. It takes as long as it takes. You have my permission to listen to heart-wrenching breakup songs, such as I’ll Never Love Again from the A Star is Born soundtrack, and cry a puddle of tears.
Oh, boy. That song will make you bawl your eyes out now and roll your eyes later when you do, indeed, love again. In the meantime, here’s what you need to do: Try to spend more time focusing on your future than dwelling on your past.
Breakup resources: My top 2 recommendations
There are loads of resources on the subject of breakups. You can google up a storm and find countless articles, books, YouTube videos, podcast episodes and even apps to help you through your breakup. But I’m just going to mention my top two favourite resources.
The first one is a book. The title of the book is It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken. It’s by Greg Behrendt and his wife Amiira. Greg is famous for co-authoring He’s Just Not That Into You, which went from Sex and the City episode to bestselling self-help book to a movie starring literally everyone: Jennifer Aniston, Ben Affleck, Scarlett Johansson, Bradley Cooper and Drew Barrymore, to name a few. Anyway, even though there are lots of good breakup books, I wanted to keep it simple for you by just recommending one. The title again is It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken.
The second resource I want to recommend is counselling. Now, I’m not a counselor. I’m a coach. A counselor or therapist focuses on your past and addresses underlying psychological issues. A coach focuses on your future and helps you achieve specific results. Personally, I’ve found counselling extremely helpful when going through a breakup. You can start by seeing your doctor and getting a referral. Depending on where you live, some or all of it could be covered by your healthcare. Just three to five sessions should be enough to significantly speed up the healing process.
And when you’re ready to leave your ex in the past, come to me, We’ll work on helping you into the relationship of your dreams, starting with a professionally written dating profile.
So, that was my unconventional guide to getting over a breakup. I really hope it helps put things into perspective for you. My goal for this episode was to help you learn from my mistakes.
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