What do you get when you cross a professional writer with a passion for dating and relationships? This!
The Mindset Shift That Can Transform Your Love Life
Ep. 7 teaser: The mindset shift that can transform your love life
There’s a common dating and relationship mistake that I encounter all the time – with clients, with single friends and when watching contestants on reality TV shows.
The reason I’m so acutely aware of this mistake is because I used to make it. And the moment I corrected it is the moment my love life changed for the better. My dating and relationship experiences improved, and my relationship with family, friends and people in general was transformed.
If you’re someone who has a tendency to get defensive to protect yourself from getting hurt, you’re in good company. But if you want to find true love, it’s time for a new approach.
Here are the top 5 points I’m going to cover:
❤ My slightly embarrassing confession (I bet you’re guilty of this too) ❤ The extremely common dating mistake one TV personality made ❤ How this mistake can negatively change the course of your love life ❤ The difference between a red flag and a forgivable human mistake ❤ How making one simple mindset shift led me to the love of my life
You have two options for absorbing this juicy info:
1. Listen to it (recommended): You can listen here on this page using the player below or, even better, listen in your favourite podcast app (mine’s iTunes). Any probs, let me know.
2. Read it: As much as I love podcasts, I know not everyone’s into them. So, if that’s you, you can read the transcript of the episode below. I’ve taken the time to format it so it’s easier to read.
Either way, enjoy! And if you have any comments or questions, leave it below, email me or catch me on Facebook (at ‘Elly Klein: The Relationship Writer’) or Instagram (@relationshipwriter).
Ep. 7: The mindset shift that can transform your love life
I’m going to reveal the one mindset shift that can transform your love life. But in order to do it, I have to confess something a little embarrassing…
Okay, I hate to admit this, but I’m a big fan of dating and relationship reality TV shows, such as The Bachelor, The Bachelorette and Married at First Sight. They’re a bit like a car accident, aren’t they – you’re not supposed to look, but you just can’t help yourself. Am I right? Well, there’s certainly one good thing about them and that is that, as a dating coach, they provide me with some great examples to illustrate my points.
Even the Bachelorette isn’t perfect
For instance… On a recent season on The Bachelorette (and I won’t say which one), something happened that made me realise how far I’ve come since I was the Bachelorette’s age. She made a very common mistake that I believe holds many people back from finding or maintaining a loving relationship. It certainly held me back for a long time. Too long. But when I finally corrected it, my dating life improved dramatically. And when I met David, our relationship unfolded extremely smoothly. It’s amazing the difference one simple mindset shift can make. And I’m going to reveal exactly what that mindset shift is in a moment.
So, here’s what happened on The Bachelorette. Very early on in the season, there was a guy who told the Bachelorette he was quote ‘falling for’ her. They hadn’t even had a one-on-one date yet, so it was too much too soon for her and she kinda reeled back. The moment he realised his advances weren’t being well-received, he started back-peddling and said something along the lines of, ‘Oh, I didn’t really mean that. I was just telling you what I thought you wanted to hear.’
His attempt at smoothing over his faux pas totally backfired because she accused him of lying and sent him home. Then she went and told all the other guys what happened and warned them not to lie to her. Then the following day she said the whole things was still playing on her mind.
Ever put your cards on the table?
Okay, let’s break this down. Hands up if you’ve ever put your cards on the table only to wish you could snatch them back when it’s clear the other person doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. I certainly have. And that’s what I think happened here. I don’t believe he was lying to her. I believe he came on too strong, probably thinking it’d move their connection forward. And then when it didn’t, he panicked and put his foot in his mouth.
The common mistake
So, what did she do wrong? She assumed the worst of him rather than assuming the best of him. That’s something I did countless times over the course of my dating and relationship journey before I met David. Lots of people do, particularly women, and I understand why. They’re trying to protect themselves from getting hurt. But flipping that behaviour around and assuming the best of people and being forgiving when they’re human and make a mistake has made all the difference not only in my love life but in my relationships with family, friends and people in general. Being angry and defensive never got me anywhere.
Now, not only did the Bachelorette send this guy packing instead of giving herself a chance to get to know him, but she projected that anger onto all the other guys who, at that point, had done nothing wrong. This is a miserable way to date because it turns people right off. How would you like it if your date or new partner was like, ‘My ex lied to me’ or ‘My ex cheated on me’ or ‘My ex called me names… so you better not do the same!’ You’d find it icky, wouldn’t you. Well, that’s essentially what you’re doing if you take something the last person did and warn the next person not to do it.
The mindset shift
So, the mindset shift that can transform your love life is to assume the best, rather than the worst, of people, and then be forgiving if they simply made a mistake. Chances are if they say or do something you don’t like, they didn’t mean to hurt you. Try not to jump to negative conclusions. Instead, investigate a little further, talk it through, or simply read between the lines and let it go.
Once you master this mindset shift and put it into practice, I think you’ll find it’s an awesome skill to have. I know that David never means to hurt me. But that doesn’t mean he never does. And guess what – it works both ways. I never mean to hurt him either, but sometimes I do. We both practice assuming the best, rather than the worst, of each other. We forgive each other for being human and making a mistake. And we work through it on the rare occasion that it’s actually important.
Now, the good news is it didn’t ruin the Bachelorette’s life. She did end up picking a great guy and she’s still with him, which is fantastic. But these are the things that can really change the course of your dating and relationship life because, unlike the Bachelorette, you probably don’t have 20 of the country’s most eligible bachelors to chose from.
Carrie Bradshaw Vs Mr Big
I’ll give you another example. From television again, of course. If you’re a fan of Sex and the City, you might remember that episode way back in Season 1 called Secret Sex where Carrie’s dating Mr Big and she thinks he’s trying to keep their relationship a secret. He takes her to an obscure Chinese restaurant twice. He runs into people he knows and doesn’t introduce her. And he blows her off for a date. Well, instead of assuming the best of him, she assumes the worst of him, shows up at his apartment drunk, and yells at him for trying to keep their relationship a secret.
And how does Mr Big respond? He assumes the best of HER and is forgiving that she’s human and made a mistake. He explains he took her to the Chinese restaurant twice because he believes they have the best Chinese food in New York. He explains he didn’t introduce her to the couple they ran into on the street because he couldn’t remember the man’s name. And he explains her blew her off for a date because he had courtside seats to the basketball. Then when she realises she was wrong and calms down, he gives her a hug.
The real-life version
But would all men react this way? Probably not. Don’t forget the person you’re dating or are in a relationship with is also trying to protect themselves from getting hurt. It wouldn’t have been unreasonable of Mr Big if he’d seen her as unhinged, especially as he didn’t know her that well yet, politely asked her to leave and never contacted her again. And that was a really courteous way of saying it wouldn’t have been unreasonable of Mr Big if he’d seen her as crazy, told her to get her drunk ass out of his apartment and deleted her number. When you step back from this scene, you can see how, in real life, the outcome could have been very different.
Human error Vs red flags
Now, do you need to know when someone’s behaviour is a red flag? Of course you do. Just make 100% sure it’s a red flag before you go and blow up your new-found connection, courtship or relationship. If someone has been nothing but sweet, attentive and consistent and then they do something that upsets or concerns you, suss it out a bit first. Be open and honest about your feelings. Deal with it calmly and rationally. Then trust yourself enough to know how to handle it.
For instance, and this should be obvious, but if someone’s physically aggressive or violent, there are no second chances. If someone’s passive aggressive and makes you feel uncomfortable, walk away. This isn’t about accepting the unacceptable. This is about being aware of the fact that most people don’t mean to hurt you, so don’t go and ruin a good thing just because someone was human and made a mistake or put their foot in their mouth or said or did something they didn’t realise would offend you.
If you want to transform your love life, and even your relationship with family, friends and people in general, start practicing this one mindset shift and see how it goes. Assume the best, rather than the worst, of people and be forgiving when they make a mistake. Chances are they didn’t mean to hurt you.
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